Its been 3 Years!

Its been 3 years since you have left us on our own and gone for a heavenly place. It was the most traumatic experience one can have. we had never ever thought that one day we will be without you and be on our own in this harsh and unfriendly world. When I saw your reports first, although being a Dr i knew its inevitable, but as a son I was thinking that together we will pull thorugh it. When the oncologist told me "its a treatable one" we were over the moon. But i knew that you are giving up. Then that most painful night when I came back dashing because 'Bishu' called us in middle of night that you are 'really unwell' . when i entered the room you were taking your last breath. all my years of medical school and then post graduation training in UK could do nothing to stop you going away. 

Then that inevitable happened which i feared most when leaving highlands in middle of xmas holidays in freezing temp of -15c. That years was really, exceptionally cold. Then I didn't know whats happening around us for next week or so. Seeing you last time , knowing that we will never see you again was indescribable. Everyone was condoling us but we didn't know whats going on but still we were putting a brave face. 

Time never stops and it kept moving on and on. There has been many many instances when driving on my own on long motorway I thought about you, on busy traffic jams , when taking a train, or dropping and picking up kids up school i thought about you. There were times i desperately  needed the 'cuddle' I thought about you. there was many times when i needed 'someone special' to give me a pat on the back and says 'don't worry you will be fine'. Just an extra reassurance in a time of 'confusion'. Just a little bit of  motherly guidance. I thought about you when i felt that there is no one to fall back on. I thought about you when I saw grannies with their grandsons, or son/daughters taking their mums out for a shopping or a dinner. I thought about you every time i went back to our Home. Its not the same its use to be. I thought about you when ever i saw/read/learn about someone else's mum. 

I needed your 'presence' during my successes and I needed your presence and company more during my shortcoming and failures. Because i had known all my life that you are the only person who will stand by me when all the world will be standing against me. Just a thought of that person not being there is painful. 

I am sure you are in a better place and i am sure they will keeping good care of you in heaven. I don't have any doubt that you will still be praying for us where ever you are. But i want to tell you, although life is moving on , although we are living our lives well, although are gaining success in our lives, although your grandchildren are growing up into big boys & big girls, but life with out you is not the same.  Its not as it use to be and we miss you in evey moment of it.

Love you mum. 

My you rest in eternal peace.

Amin